To build healthy and full -fledged relationships, it is worthwhile to figure out whether we love a person sincerely or simply regret him. This will benefit both, the psychotherapist Irina Belousova is sure.
We rarely think about pity for a partner. Usually we just don’t recognize this feeling. At first we regret a partner for several years, then we notice that something is going wrong. And only after that we ask ourselves the question: “Is love at all?»We begin to guess about something, we are looking for information on the network and, if you are lucky, we go to a psychologist. Only after that does serious mental work begin, which will help to honestly look at how we relate to a loved one, as well as detect the factors and prerequisites that led to this.
What is love?
Love implies the ability and desire to give and accept. This exchange is possible only when we perceive the partner as equal to ourselves and at the same time accept it as he is, and not “modified” with the help of our own imagination.
In relations of equal partners, it is normal to show compassion, sympathy. The desire to help in resolving difficulties is an important part of a healthy relationship, but there is a thin line between the desire to help and complete control over other. It is this control that is evidence that we rather do not like, but regret a partner.
Such a manifestation of pity is possible only in child-child relationships: then regrets, it takes responsibility for the resolution of the difficulties of another, without taking into account the efforts that the partner makes in order to find a way out of a difficult situation. But relationships, especially sexual ones, “break” when partners begin to play inappropriate roles – in particular, the role of the child and the parent.
Why do we confuse love and pity?
- Being small, we did not see the love of two equal adults, so we did not adopt a similar model from the parental family.
- When we get used to interacting with the world from the “rescuer” position, we are fixed on the idea of our own omnipotence, although in fact we are able to bear responsibility only for ourselves, and not for others.
- We rise at the expense of who we regret.
- We reduce our anxiety by control over another person, that is, due to pity for him. We “make” him little and incapable to bear responsibility for
our lives so that he does not dare to leave us.
- We play our own need for support with another person, because we ourselves are not able to ask about it openly.
- We realize our own tendency to dramatization. If both partners are capable of effort, then there are few chances for fatal events and tragic turns, which means that the public will have nothing to demonstrate.
What is pity?
Pity for a partner is a depressed aggression that appears due to the fact that we do not recognize the alarm among our own emotions. Thanks to her, her own idea of what is happening is built in her head, and it often resembles a little reality.
For example, one of the partners does not cope with his life tasks, and the second partner who regrets him constructs the perfect image of a loved one in his head. Sorry does not recognize a strong man in another who can withstand difficulties, but at the same time is afraid to lose contact with him. At this moment, he begins to indulge a weak partner.
A woman who spares her husband has many illusions that help her preserve and maintain the image of a good person. She rejoices at the very fact of marriage – the husband, perhaps, is not the best, «but mine». As if her sensation of herself as a sexy woman, positively accepted by society, depends only on him. Only her husband needs her as a pitying «mommy». And she wants to believe that she is a woman. And these are different roles, different positions.
It is also profitable to play the role of a parent for his insolvent partner to play a married man to play his wife. She is a victim (life, others), and he is a rescuer. He pity her, protects from various adversities and fuels his ego in this way. The picture of what is happening again turns out to be distorted: he is convinced that he occupies the role of a strong man, but in reality he is not even a “daddy”, but. mommy. After all, mothers usually wipe tears, sympathize, pressed to the chest and close themselves from the hostile world.
Who lives inside me?
Each of us has an inner child who needs pity. This child does not cope himself and is desperately looking for an adult, the one who is able to take all the concerns. The only question is in what situations we bring this version of ourselves to the life scene, giving it the will. Does this «game» become the style of our life?
This role has positive qualities. It gives resources for creativity and game, gives the opportunity to feel unconditionally loved, experience the ease of being. But she does not have an emotional resource in order to solve difficulties and take responsibility for her life.
The decision on whether to exchange your own life for the pity of others or not to do this is made by our adult, responsible part
At the same time, everyone has a version that was manifested once to solve the problems. In a difficult situation, the support on it will be more constructive than for the one that needs pity. The key difference of these versions is that one will always take responsibility to make a decision, and the other will not stand it and distort our reality, demanding to solve everything for it.
But is it possible to alternate these roles? Get hugs, taking the children’s part to the forefront, stop in time and tell yourself: “That’s it, I have enough warmth from loved ones, now I will go to solve my issues myself”?
If we decide to pay responsibility, then we lose both power and freedom. We turn into a child, taking the position of the victim. What do children have except toys? Only the dependence and absence of adult advantages. However, the decision on whether to live in exchange for pity or not, we accept only we and our adult part.
Now, understanding the difference between true love and a sense of pity, we will definitely not take one for another. And if we nevertheless realized that the roles in our relationship with a partner were originally built incorrectly or confused over time, the best we can do is go to a specialist. He will help to understand everything, turning the work to discover a true attitude towards a partner into a unique process of cognition.